According to a fact is most likely true, in the history of the Billboard Charts, only once has a duet by two gentlemen named Philip reached the Top 10: the 1984 classic “Easy Lover,” by the Phil(ip)s Bailey and Collins. I was reminded of just how awesome this song was when I was (gratuitious mention of me running in 3 … 2 … 1) running across the Longfellow Bridge this morning, as my iPod worked its way through my “Awesome ’80s Mix” (which features perhaps the finest example of a song comprised entirely of soundbytes from a documentary on the Vietnam War played over synthesized beats and primitive 1985-era sampling technology … and I say perhaps, because I haven’t totally researched this yet … “19″ by Paul Hardcastle).
A few years back I decided to stop being such an asshole (well, at least about this particular topic, pop music from the mid-1980s) and embrace my love for this song. What’s not to like about Mr. Bailey’s soulful falsetto, driven by the moderately-competent drumming from the only man to play both sides of the pond for Live Aid (and, I might add, the World’s Designated Drummer of 1985, the man who helped out any band whose man behind the kit had gone to a better place and/or choked on his own vomit), Mr Phil Collins? Nothing!
Well, except maybe for the lyrics, which I had heretofore largely ignored.
Maybe it was because I had pushed myself so hard to complete my Roger Bannister-like pace (if Roger Bannister was measuring how long it took him to run 2.5 miles). Maybe I needed something to take my mind off all the chafing. So I listened to the story being told. (Did you know that the Easy Lover was none other than Patti LaBelle? Me neither! I just made it up!)
And let me tell you, it’s not good.
Ultimately, it wasn’t the Easy Lover who had problems. It was Messrs. Bailey, Collins and co-writer Nathan East, a R&B bassist who seems like a very nice man based on his Wikipedia biography. In fact, I modified the second sentence of his biography to state that; Mr. East, I have no bone to pick with you. I’m guessing you were an unwitting participant, perhaps caught up in the excitement of working with the two Phils and a video that involved a helicopter journey to London to get to the soundstage to film the video itself.
Let’s look at the lyrics (in italics) with my snarky commentary in, um, non-italics:
Easy lover
OK, nowhere in the song do they define what that means. Context makes me think it’s something negative — but really, in this harsh world, is love that comes easy really a bad thing, Phils (and to a lesser extent, Nathan?).
She’ll get a hold on you believe it
The Miracles seemed to think having a hold on me (really) was a good thing, so I’ll assume that’s vaguely positive?
Like no other
Before you know it you’ll be on your knees
Thanking God?
She’s an easy lover
Got it. You said that.
She’ll take your heart but you won’t feel it
She’s like no other
And I’m just trying to make you see
See that she’s unique? Still good, right?
She’s the kind of girl you dream of
Dream of keeping hold of
Woah. Stop, here’s where I’m starting to think you’ve got some sort of problem. “Holding her” sounds nice. “Keeping hold of her” sounds, well, sort of controlling.
You’d better forget it
You’ll never get it
Maybe she doesn’t want to be held? Maybe she has intimacy issues? She doesn’t want you both crushing her? I mean, you don’t really establish which one of you has had the relationship with her, so I’m sort of guessing it was some sort of weird “hey, when’s the next time I’m going to be with a major 1970s R&B star and the world’s most adequate drummer?” snap decision she made.
She will play around and leave you
Gentlemen, you present no evidence here. An argument isn’t valid just because you sing it in an excellent falsetto. Trust me, I’ve tried.
Leave you and deceive you
She’ll leave me and deceive me? It’s kind of hard to do both, unless she leaves under false pretenses. Like that time I tried to use the death of my uncle to get out of going on a business trip. It was true that he had died, although he died in 1963. I went on the trip and ultimately, it wasn’t that bad.
Better forget it
Oh you’ll regret it
Nothing to say here, other than that I always enjoy the forget/regret rhyme.
No you’ll never change her, so leave it, leave it
OK, so you present a wafer-thin argument with scant evidence that she’ll leave me and decieve me. And now I’m going to try to change her? Maybe you didn’t realize this in the fall of 1984, Phils (and Nathan), but people have to want to change themselves. You can’t change them. And even then, some psychologists say that people never actually change, they just accept their limitations and work within them. Do you want her to do that? Should I really expect her to do that just because you say it’s so?
Get out quick ’cause seeing is believing
But if I get out quick, I can’t see, thus I can’t believe.
Hey!
I’m wondering if you just want this easy lover for yourselves, Phils (and Nathan) and are trying to trick me, the listener. Sure, at first blush, I’m going to trust the voice behind “September,” the man behind the moderately-succesful film “Buster,” and, um, Nathan.
But I’m much more sophisticated in 2010 then I was in 1984. Maybe not much more, but I do certainly have less hair.
It’s the only way
You’ll ever know
The only way I’ll ever know what? That you two (and Nathan) are besmirching the name of this poor woman, perhaps for selfish reasons?
[At this point, the lyrics repeat themselves, either to further cement their point, or because they had a bet to see if they could write a song in under 15 minutes.]
So, in further examining these lyrics, what did we learn?
- Even if you alternate your rhyming scheme between A-B-A-C-A-D and A-A-B-B, your song’s lyrics can be lame and unimaginative.
- It is still an awesome song.
- I would be a crappy literary critic.
